Missing my Mom

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It will be 3 years in April since the unexpected loss of my mother. She had a routine medical procedure and ended up dying 4 days later. It has been a roller coaster of emotions for obvious reasons but even more so because our relationship was complicated and strained during her last days.

She had developed an addiction to pain medication years earlier and became a shell of herself. My oldest sister also introduced and kept her supplied on weed, so she was stoned and spent most days in bed. She could be volatile if she didn’t get her needs met, became incredibly selfish, checked out and didn’t want to participate in being a part of our family anymore. I grew up close to her. We would show horses and ride almost daily together.

I had my only child throughout this nightmare and it multiplied the pain! All the memories they would miss and my daughter wondering why her Nana never wanted to spend time with her was gut wrenching.

We also had to endure some very difficult times together. We navigated my father’s incarceration, her successful but scary diagnosis, surgery and recovery through uterine cancer and so many other of life’s trials together. I have two siblings but they didn’t show much support. So, when she started using pills to cope, I was left reeling and started seeking my own ways to relieve pain. It left me using various drugs for a time and dating abusive men.

I eventually met a wonderful man who walked with me through it all.

However, my mother ultimately did the one thing that saved my life and is the greatest gift I ever received! When I was in darkness and pain and she was in the pit of her addiction, she asked me to go to church with her.

I agreed.

It is what ultimately brought me from darkness to life and allowed her to get on methadone and attempt to get sober. It gave her hope.

I walk daily with the Lord now. He is my best friend. Through consistent trust and prayer, I am finally grieving in love and my memories of her are now of the times when life was good between us. I miss her and rejoice over thoughts of our times together far more than hurt in them!!

In my distress I called to the Lord, and he answered me-Psalm 120:1

It is Gonna Be Okay!

On By JoyLeave a comment

I am a woman who understands a thing or two about feeling helpless! I can relate to those searching for something but don’t even know what anymore? Or about hiding what is really inside. About shame and guilt? Or physical, mental and emotional suffering? Fears? Unable to trust or be trusted? Intense depression and loneliness? Tormented by your past? Dependencies? Or about being hated and about hating yourself but putting a facade that everything is fine. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

I am not writing to sound pretty or popular, in fact I have had this blog for 5 years and have waited for the right time to write. I am desperate for this to reach someone enduring mental, physical, emotional and spiritual pain and suffering! I was moments from taking my life, but was spared. If my painful and sometimes very ugly journey and testimony can save even one person’s life…then it will all be worthwhile to me!!

I tried years of therapies, medications, drugs- (legal and illegal), staying distracted by my work, idle gossip, hobbies, attention from various men, partying, helping others, exercising and chasing anything else I could search for to try to occupy my empty spaces. Eventually, a serious illness would limit my abilities, an injury, a surgery, a family issue or trauma would ensue that I would have to deal with and always end up taking the lead to resolve, or a relationship would fail, an interest would wane. I had no idea at the time I was trying to fill a void that truly and honestly only Jesus could and is intended to fill and I was carrying burdens only HE is intended to carry!

I always knew God but being raised Catholic believed him to be a distant, scary far off entity who sat far away all day judging me with only wrath and no mercy. Our heavenly father is not about religion at all but about relationship. Many have been turned off by walking with the Lord because they had terribly traumatic experiences in the church. Please don’t be like me who missed out for so long on the healing and only perfect relationship you can experience on this side of the eternity because of what an evil or broken person or people did to you. God can redeem and restore what is broken if you give HIM that chance!

God our father, is about relationship and not religion. He came for us sinners and for us that are lost and hurting! HE came for us that are so desperately in need of a savior, a defender, a father, a hope, light, a physician, a provider, a true and lasting friend, no matter what you have done, are doing or enduring. HE will not leave you or judge you and will pull you from the muck and mire. HE will open that steel door from darkness to light regardless of what you are enduring!

You are dearly, completely and unconditionally loved!!!